ONE - #4
ONE: navigating the world of dating and relationships - #4: Don’t Mess With the Bull
Our ultimate goal is to ______________ God.
Gods idea: You are ________ your own. (Eph 4:1) Cosmo’s idea: It’s all about __________
“Sin will take you farther than you want to ________, keep you longer than you want to _________, and cost you more than you want to __________.”
Explain the Law of Diminishing Returns….
The two options if things are going too far.
1) Get ______________ ! But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. ~1 Cor 7:9
2) Develop self-control and ___________ . It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; ~ I Thes 4:3
Points to ponder…
If you can’t develop self-control within the relationship, we need to ________ ________.
If you find self-control difficult as a ____________ person, how will it be different when you are ________________ ?
How about your partner? If they can’t control themselves now, how will they control themselves after ____________?
What’s the prerequisite for the ability to love?
Guidelines for success.
1) Don’t make provisions for ___________________ . Ro 13:14
2) Good things happen when the ______________ are right. Ps 16:6
What do I do?
First - _______________ what legitimate need you are meeting in an illegitimate way.
Second - Come to the _________ of yourself. (Lk 15)
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! ~2 Cor 5:17
posted by Wade at 3/14/2006 09:02:00 PM
1 Comments:
Navigating the World of Dating Relationships - LESSON FOUR
Presupposition. Relationships are successful when an awareness of God is foremost on our hearts.
Not just talking about fitting your spiritual life into your dating life. Your spiritual life should inform and define your dating life. There are some absolutes about what our relationships should look like. This is our ultimate goal: To amplify God.
If we can keep that on the foremost of our hearts and mind, if that is our ultimate goal that will determine what takes place in our relationships. It will save a lot of heartache and pain.
In preparing for tonight’s talk I went out and picked up Cosmopolitan. From the “Women’s interest” section.
I hope none of you buy this. Because it is garbage. Look at the table of contents. Cosmo loves marriage. Weddings are “in.” Ten secret signs that he’s not the one. Right in the middle - the Cosmo passion package. 13 pages of lustful living. Get it right on the first night. First date sex. What men really think about.
It’s loaded with terrible information. I wanted to highlight what is being communicated to our society. There is one thing that I found to be prevalent. You can do anything you want, anytime you want to. You just need to find out how to do it right.
As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Eph 4:1
You are not your own. You can’t do whatever you want to.
It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; 1 Thess 4:3-5
The idea in Cosmo is that it’s all about you. That’s not what God has set up for us.
God has established and set up things in our lives in such a way that they are good. The world and the devil has warped them to think that they are bad. You do not need to eliminate your desires, but be able to manage them in such a way so that they are part of our lives at the right time. If we get involved in the wrong way, it’s going to cause a lot of problems.
It’s not about God not letting us enjoy something - he has our best interests in mind. He wants us to live lives that are healthy, holy, and have effective relationships that are not going to cause a lot of mess.
We have to look at the framework that he has established. Otherwise we will go places that we never thought we would go.
Quote: “Sin will take you farther than you want to go, keep you longer than you want to stay, and cost you more than you want to pay.”
If we get involved in ways we shouldn’t be- it’s going to cost you.
4:56 Video clip: http://www.funnytv.com/videos_view.php?page=3&no=131&category=videos
It’s the idea that if we mess around with things we shouldn’t - we are going to get hurt!
Don’t mess with the bull. You mess with the bull and you are going to get the horns.
When I think of relationships one of the most exciting parts of relationships is the feeling that you have when you are progressing. When you are connecting in the emotional and spiritual way, then it’s normal that you desire to connect on a spiritual way as well.
Economics : The law of diminishing returns. You are having a few dates, the relationship is progressing. You reach over and grab her hand - and it’s like 600 volts going through your body. It was amazing! Then the relationship progress and you get your arm around her - another 600 volts. Then you reach the moment, a kiss on the cheek! Another 600 volts! You can’t go to sleep. Don’t even need Mt Dew. And so the relationship progresses, but each part starts to become less enjoyable. But you start to like the feeling, the experience. You want the 600 volts experience again. Before you know it, you are further than you ever wanted to be.
God has our best interests in mind. He established a framework for us to have, or to not have. Magazines and the media like to communicate that the physical side of a relationships is separate from who you are. You just “move on.” That’s a LIE. Who we are physically is part of the fabric of who we are totally. You glue two pieces of wood together - to get them apart you have to rip them. Parts of each board are left on the other board. That’s what it’s like when we go too far physically in a relationship. We take pieces of the other person with us, and we loose parts of ourselves to them.
I talk to a lot of people on a regular basis about this. I ask people where they are at in their physical relationships. I get responses like, “It’s good.” People know that they have gone too far.
When we go too far, the Bible gives us two options.
Option 1 - I Cor 7:9 “If they can’t control themselves…get married!” Most people are in no position to get married.
Option 2 - I Thes 4:3 “It is God’s will….” Develop self control and stop. The eyes get big, but it’s a better option that getting married.
But there’s a problem. If you can’t develop self control in the relationship, you need to get out of the relationship in order to develop self control. People think they can develop self-control in the relationship.
If you, as a single person, are having difficulty controlling yourself now - what makes you think that you will be able to control yourself when you are married???
If she can’t control herself now, how is she going to be able to control herself when you are married???
The difficulty to control oneself in a relationship is a sign of what’s to come, of what’s ahead. “But I’m just so in love….” It can be done.
Why is this so important? If someone isn’t capable of delayed gratification, then they are really saying, “I want what I want when I want it.”
Delayed gratification is the prerequisite for the ability to love. It’s Godly love, like laying your life down.
If you have the ability to surrender your interests, to have your interests satisfied later - that’s delayed gratification and that’s love.
If you think about it in a bigger context, self control is a big deal. It’s not just about what I want and when I want it.
Then I hear, “We just can’t!”
Once you go to a certain place its so hard to go back.
There are some guidelines to help you make sure that you are not making it more difficult for yourself.
Do you put yourself into situations where it is going to be difficult to have self-control?
Ro 13:14 Don’t make provisions for failure.
Set your self up for success. Curfew. Use the phone after 8pm. Do what you have to do so that you can honor God in your relationship. When this happens and you are able to establish boundaries, there is safety in that. Especially for guys. You, guys, are the leader of the relationship. You have an extra amount of responsibility in what the physical side of the relationship looks like. The reason is because there is a lot of dynamics going on physically and emotionally when you are close. But guys, when you set up correct and proper boundaries and hold to them, the desire level for you will go up. One of the things that men want and need most is respect. It’s up to you if you are going to establish that in your relationship.
Ps 16:6
Good things happen when the boundaries in your life are right. Blessings, favor, etc. when the limits are set within God’s limits. Girls will respect you. Guys - it just works.
Because when you cross the line and relationships are out of whack - our emotions start to warp our perspectives. Our emotions will scream louder than the truth. Major justification will go on. We need to be able to come to a place where we recognize and establish ahead of time what it is that God wants with us.
I’m not just talking about intercourse. You have heard the message to “wait.” But you have still done everything else!!
I want each of you to resolve that it’s not just about the physical act, but to understand that there are a lot of things that make intercourse what it’s intended to be.
Some people don’t even kiss until their wedding day. The more that I have watched people in relationships, the more that I respect that. You don’t have to! But if they don’t go that far - they won’t go beyond it! Instead of asking the question, “How close can I come to the line,” I would so much rather not even come close to the line. I want to make sure that my life amplifies God.
The amplification and honoring of God is more important than our own voltage experience. God has not set this up in such a way that we will never experience it - but in a way that when the two become one, it is an incredible experience - the way that God intended it to be.
Fire can get out of control, but we build fires in our houses all the time - in the confines of a fireplace. If we go outside of the boundaries, it ‘s like setting a fire in your living room. Soon the house will be burnt down and the only thing left will be the fireplace?!
When we let it get out of control, our lives will get destroyed.
“But it feels so right! And I prayed and I don’t’ feel any conviction. We are so in love with each other. Its’ just a couple of months…” I have known many couples who have said that and not gotten married.
God has established boundaries for a reason. And it’s not just to put a “can’t do this” list on our lives.
Our lives are so enmeshed with who we are. You can’t just take one little thing out. It’s all together. It’s difficult to keep someone out of your heart who has invaded your body. That’s why you see relationship where people try to get out, but they are back together again. Because the boards are so glued together…
Went fishing - shore lunch. The guide brought all the stuff and was putting a fire together, and dumped gas onto the fire. Then tosses a match on it. Sometimes getting involved physically in a way we should is like a fire with gas on it. It looks like a fire. It looks like it is going to do something. But when you throw gas on a fire it doesn’t last.
Relationships that have physical boundaries crossed have dynamic experiences, but it just won’t last. We want a fire that is steady and strong - one that will last. If it’s only just gas, it goes out quickly.
Some might say, “What do I do?”
Couple of ideas:
First is to determine what legitimate need you are meeting in an illegitimate way.
Is it a need to have someone with you? A need for value? A need for significance?
But meeting it through physical means is wrong. We are only going to be completely satisfied in God. Only when we are Christ centered in our hearts that we understand that we don’t have to have someone else giving us value. Eph 4:19.
The need is probably legitimate. It’s the way that we meet it that probably isn’t.
Second - Come to the end of yourself. Lk 15. Prodigal son. He came to the “end of himself.” We need to also. We can’t do it on our own. Rom 11:36 “From him…” If we try to do it on our own, white knuckle it by yourself - you are going to find yourself back in the same place. Recognize that it’s all about God.
2 Cor 5:17 “New creations.”
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! 2 Cor 5:17
When we run to God, we are in Christ. The old has gone, the new has come.
God helps us cultivate self-control, and he makes all things new.
Some say, “It’s too late for me.”
But I am here to tell you that 2 Cor 5:17 is true. It’s not too late. Lazarus was dead! But Jesus said, “Lazarus, come on out of there!” Its’ never too late. You may have blown it, but God is bigger than all those things. The message of the Bible is that there is redemption, restoration ,and hope in Jesus Christ. The old, bad can all become new and fresh. You can start over again.
Ps 103:12 “As far as the east is from the west…”
Wherever you are tonight, whatever your history is - God is bigger.
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